So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
