I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
ugly people sure do ruin things
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
