woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize