My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
