I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
