you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
