I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
