Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
