Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
