Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
