So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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