I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
