Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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