I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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