I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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