I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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