I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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