i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
