Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
