I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
