im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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