I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
