I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
