I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
