I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
