I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
