Got a toothbrush?
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
