last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
