david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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