Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
