Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize