dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
