just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize