Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Congratulations! We have a period
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