walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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