I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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