apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
