Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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