I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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