my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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