So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
