i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it hurts more in the daytime
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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