Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
