Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize