so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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