In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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