dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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