Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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