just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
