There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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