does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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