Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
