I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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