just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
