I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize