After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
