Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
