well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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