my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
