thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
